Dogging It.

I've always wanted to write a running diary on this blog, but have never been able to decide on the right event - the Grammies bring up too much angst, and various sporting events don't have the widespread appeal. Last year, I attempted the World Cup final, but Blogger ate it - moral of the story? I should never watch soccer again. At least I got to see that French guy headbutt that other guy.

Anyhow, this year, I heard that there was a new challenger to the annual crowning of Kobayashi's 4th of July hotdog eating championship - earlier this year, Joey Chestnut of California put down 59 and a half dogs, which is six more than Kobayashi has done - not only that, but the champ has been suffering from "jaw-itis" which apparently hampers his ability to open his mouth the whole way. You can cut the drama with a knife, and I'm there (in front of my TV, anyway).

Noon, so let's get it on.

12:00: I love the intro, similar to pro wrestling as trying to sound like an actual sporting event - "Kobayashi is suffering from an ailment that the whole nation is talking about." Right. Also, they're already hyping Chestnut as the "Great American Hope." On that note, Happy 4th.

12:01: The hot dog chef just nailed his moment in the sun - flipping a dog head over heels with a perfect ten landing in the bun. Somewhere, his kids are freaking out.

12:02: Two minutes into the broadcast, and we've got our first "underdog" pun of the afternoon. They're also making it sound like Kobayashi's faking the injury: citing he's given enough various mouth ailments (wisdom teeth, "jawthritis," fractured tooth, etc) that no one knows what's really up. Chestnut is aiming for 61 and a record.

12:03: In case you were curious, it takes 18 and a half hours of consecutive treadmill running to burn off a record hotdog binge. Our first commercial break of the day appropriately features hot dogs.

12:06: You shouldn't be able to separate the hot dog from the bun. That's my biggest beef with this event. To make this the truly authentic hot dog championship, you should have to eat the hot dog and bun at the same time, loaded with condiment goodness all-the-way Chicago style. Brad knows what I'm talking about. That is the true mark of an eating champion - none of this dipping it in water shit. Other sports could also benefit from a dose of realism - you can't tell me you wouldn't be curious about NASCAR if the drivers had to drive through downtown Atlanta, merging, stopping at stop signs and dodging fifteen year old girls on their cell phones.

12:07: Kobayashi has been receiving last minute accupuncture treatments, and drove in separately from the others in a black limo. Is this going to be like Michael Jordan in the '97 NBA finals? Kobayashi also has a terrible "my first mustache" starter kit remniscent of former UVa basketball player Jason Cain, or, well, me. I feel for him.

12:10: The world strawberry shortcake eating champion claims he's the underdog and the "Ross Perot", and that he's got nothing to lose. He beat Chestnut in a jalapeno eating contest this year, and claims that is Chestnut's "chink in the armor." Unfortunately for the world strawberry shortcake champ, Ross Perot finished a distant third.

12:12: If you're wondering how one finds themself attempting to capture the Yellow Mustard Belt, it's just like how one finds themselves on American Idol, or in the Boston Marathon. You have to qualify at one of the three qualifying events held across America throughout the year. Also like those other two events, you have to train your ass off. I keep thinking I'd be good at this, and then I realize that I could probably do say, eight hotdogs in twelve minutes.

12:15: We're counting down to the start. Apparently, Chestnut has never beaten Kobayashi in competition. Despite the TV coverage, there are more than two competitors in this event, and most of the others seem much more interesting - mohawks, face paint, etc. I guess they have to do that to get on TV against the main two.

12:17: The highest profile female competitor, "The Black Widow," once ate a tenth of her body weight in cheesecake in ten minutes.

12:18: In our first "the TV coverage of this event is at least twice as long as it needs to be" moment, they've moved to showing footage of the Coney Island "freakshow" sideshow folks. Meanwhile, I want a hot dog.

This makes me wonder which of my friends would be the best at this - my first instinct is to immediately guess Scott, but Scott's possibly the slowest eater I've ever seen. If there was some sort of four hour contest, he'd be a shoo-in, and would stop for a milkshake on the way home. Brad's got the build of Kobayashi and a killer metabolism - maybe he's the pick? Maybe Anthony? He used to dominate our Pizza Hut lunch buffet contests in high school.

12:22: The dipping the buns in water kills me. I know you need it to get down that much bread, but I feel like soggy bread would make me more likely to throw up.

12:24: America and Japan's "heated sports rivalry never gets more heated" than at the hot dog eating championship. This probably explains why I've never heard of said rivalry.

Meanwhile, no one has seen Kobayashi in a while - the plot thickens!

12:27: Some of the competitors are talking about Kobayashi - they all seem afraid of making him mad. One even referred to him as the "best competitor in the history of sport." Some guy who looks like Paul Wall who has not been mentioned by the TV crew says that if Kobayashi's out, he'll win.

12:29: Intro time. Let's check out our competiors:

Our first competitor is a burrito eating champ, who has eaten a shitload (I forgot the number) of zucchini in ten minutes.

Our second is the former bologna eating champion of the world.

Our next is the Paul Wall guy, who is the reigning sausage and pork and beans eating champ, and is also a direct descendent of Daniel Boone, complete with coonskin cap and a chorus of boos from the assembled.

Our next is the "Houdini of Cuisini" who pulls a streamer out of his mouth as he runs up.

Next is an 105 lb woman, who once ate eleven slices of pizza in ten minutes. Not impressed. I'm sure Anthony's done that. I've seen it.

Next, the world spot-shrimp eating champion. No mention of what a "spot-shrimp" is.

Next is our first fat guy, and New Jersey tomato eating champ. He won't win - ( Ed Krachie's "Belt of Fat" theory states that the stomach fat of the larger competitors restricts their stomachs from expanding beyond a certain point - thanks Wikipedia).

Now, the "undisputed world pig's feet champion of the world."

Next, a guy molestache who ate 23 grilled cheeses in ten minutes.

A vegetarian who only meats meat in sanctioned eating competitions.

Now, an old guy - chili and birthday cake eating champion of the world, but not in the same competition.

The Black Widow. She's tiny, but has won about a million eating championships. I wish this was indoors, so they could black the lights for Kobayashi.

A guy nicknamed "Burger."

Facepaint guy, who has a sign that has a possible Harry Potter 7 spoiler on it. This guy sucks. I hope he chokes - there is no need to mess with Potter.

Now, the "Ross Perot" strawberry shortcake champ.

Joey Chestnut. Looks like he's trying not to look nervous. He's also the deep fried asparagus and chicken wing world champ. I bet his urine was delightful after the asparagus competition.

Finally, Kobayashi enters to a mixed reception, and the PA announcer hypes the injury.

12:37: Thunder sticks are in full effect, but for some reason, they don't look like hot dogs.

12:39: This is the first year they're playing for a cash prize. $10,000 goes to the winner.

12:40: There's a qualifer event in Norfolk. I'm pondering a career change.

Chestnutt drank a gallon of water at 6 am to prepare. He hasn't eaten for two days. Kobayashi is ignoring everyone.

12:41: We're off. "HERE WE GO!" The gurgitators are underway.

12:42: Chestnutt in the lead with eleven in the first minute. Kobayashi does ten.

12:43: This is almost nauseating to watch. Kobayashi separates the hotdog from the bun, which I can't get behind. You should get points docked for that.

12:44: Chestnut - nineteen in two minutes. Kobayashi - eighteen. Everyone else - who cares? Ross Perot is just behind Kobayashi, I guess.

As a footnote, the old guy is the Spam eating champ of the world.

12:45: The fat guy has slowed wayyyyy down.

I hope there's no drug testing for this event - I can't see how they could be, as weed is probably the only drug these guys could use that would actually enhance their performance.

12:46: Four minutes in, Chestnut's got 34 dogs down.

The announcers remind us that Joey Chestnut is a great American. Kobayashi is still only three back. It doesn't appear that Kobayashi has a gag reflex. My friend Katie doesn't either, and is renowned for telling people when she's drunk.

12:47: Kobayashi's only two back. Chestnut is slowing, and Kobayashi is cold bloodedly mowing these things down. The announcers are having conniptions.

12:48: "If Chestnut wins, you can look up American Hero on google tomorrow and find Abe Lincoln, Neal Armstrong, Taylor Hicks and this guy."

4:30 remaining - Chestnut at 49, Kobayashi at 47.

12:49: Chestnut passes fifty. "The entire free world is focusing on these men."

12:50: Ross Perot has dedicated his performance to Nikki Hilton, because "she lives in the shadow of Paris, and I live in the shadow of Chestnut."

Chestnut has a new Nathan's record - 54. Seconds later, so does Kobayashi.

12:51: Chestnut is up by one. We might see both of these guys break the world record.

Two minutes left, Chestnut up 58-57. "Less than half a dog difference between these guys."

12:52: Don't worry guys, there are the world's best competitive eating judges here in case it's too close at the end.

Chestnut's falling apart. His face is red. He's struggling and slowing up, but seems to just be mashing hot dogs into his mouth with no regard for if they're being swallowed. Kobayashi's also struggling, but still seems to be cool and collected.

12:53: Kobayashi "reverses his fortune" with one second left, but still tries to cram the vomit back into his mouth. He was "in the spray zone." Apparently, that's a DQ. What's in your mouth at the end of competition counts, but what was in Kobayashi's mouth was streaming all over him, so it doesn't count. Get it?

12:54: It's over, and the judges are reviewing tape to determine the winner. Kobayashi is calmly still chewing hot dog, despite having just vomited all over the place. The announcer: "that's off-putting." I agree.

12:57: Heinz Ketchup is a perfect sponsor for this. Unofficially, Chestnut wins 66-63, and sets a Nathan's record alongside a new World Record.

Now, the announcer, who has to repeat himself several times to get everyone's attention, announces Kobayashi as second place. 63 hot dogs/buns is the official count.

12:58: Chesnut wins with 66, and waves an American flag at the crowd.

12:59: "It's about time this championship comes back to America on the Fourth of July," says Joey. "If I had to eat another hot dog right now, I would."

12:59: Dancing girls and a giant Nathan's hotdog mascot ring us out. Kobayashi gives thumbs ups to everyone - kind of ruins his brooding badass image. I was hoping he'd upend the table and stalk off, or promise to be back next year before disappearing into thin air. Perhaps I've been reading too much Harry Potter.

And that's it.